Over the Edge
TRIGGER WARNING
She sat there next to the water, listening to the rushing waters surrounding her. This was the only place she could shut out all of her thoughts. All of the dark thoughts. The negative thoughts. The demons that would constantly pound on the internal walls of her mind. Where they lay in wait, hiding, planning their next attack. She just wanted to scream, and here, she could. She would never be heard out here. And so, she did.
She let out the most deafening, deep, guttural scream from within the pits of her darkness enclosing around her, the claws of depression ripping the chains that bound it from within. She couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't hold it in. The tears she had built a dam to hold today, suddenly broke their barrier and spilled over the walls in a rushing wave. She shook from the inside out and fell to her knees.
"What? What else do you want from me? I've literally given you my whole life, I don't have anything else left to give you." She held out bare hands to an empty sky. She screamed in anger, wondering how a God that claimed to love her more than anyone else could ever fathom, would allow her to go through this. Would allow her heart to be broken and battered the way that it had been. For her body to be broken and battered, repeatedly.
She was tired of hearing how strong this would make her, because right now, in this very moment, she felt anything but strong. She felt every bit of weak. She felt every bit of alone. She felt every bit of herself slipping away. Everything she had worked so hard for, all slipping back into her old habits.
She was 136 days sober. She sat on the edge of cliff, wine bottle in hand. She hadn't taken a drink yet, but she was contemplating. The top just twisted off, all she had to do was crack that seal and let'r'rip. Turn the bottle up and chugalug.
"That's just my life my life, my life my life." She heard NF repeating over and over and over. She rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, that's just my life, my life, alright. Every fucking day it's my life. When is it going to be my life TO LIVE?" She scoffed.
"Right. Live. While I'm sitting here contemplating taking my own life. That's rich."
She stared at the bottle in her hand, and sighing to herself, she twisted the top off and chucked into the rushing water below her. It disappeared immediately and she couldn't help but wonder if that's what would happen to her if she happened to "slip" off the edge? If she were tipsy enough, it would be ruled an accident. Everyone knows she's never going to be able to stay sober anyway. It would be 100% believable.
Her stomached turned at the smell of alcohol coming from the bottle. She had not taken a whiff of alcohol in 136 days. The day she gave it up, she never touched it again. Until today.
She broke again.
Oh well... Here goes nothing. Doesn't matter if this is the end."
And in that moment of turning the bottle up to take her first swig in 136 days, she felt a soft, warm breeze dancing across her cheek. Almost as if the whisper of the wind left a kiss on her cheek. She gasped, her hand instantly flying up to her cheek.
The sudden movement caused her balance to shift, and her foot slipped on the edge of the cliff. Regaining her balance, she dropped the wine bottle, watching it plunge to the depth below her.
Catching her breath, she eased her back against her favorite tree, and let the tears flow. Her whole body convulsed under the weight of the emotions leaking profusely from her body. Crying out to God, she apologized for being so weak, and in that moment she felt the words in her very soul that she knew instantly were meant for her.
"My child, I am with you. I am here. I see you. I feel your pain. I know it hurts. Hold on a little longer, I hear you whispering under your breath, I hear your SOS. I'm coming. We are coming."