Growing Up Dany

     Growing up in my household wasn’t easy for me. A lot of kids seemed to have had the loving, picture perfect family, even though they struggled financially. My parents decided that when we were very young, they would work away from home in order to give us a more financially stable life; and while I appreciate those efforts, I would have much rather struggled financially with them than to have had them away as much as they were. I voiced it all the time. I just wanted them home. And for so long I have held onto that anger and frustration of why wasn’t that good enough for them to stay? Why wasn't I good enough for them to stay? To choose me and how I felt without them home?

I often felt like they took the easy way out emotionally, by not staying with us, because they didn’t know HOW to be parents. They were 17 and 19 when my mom found out she was pregnant with me. They were babies. They were babies with their own unhealed traumas. I get it. I do. But if they had just stayed, we could have figured the rest out. I missed out on all of the little moments of growing up with them but being showered with gifts in exchange for love. 

Maybe that’s why I don’t really care to receive gifts in my adult years. They don’t mean anything to me. Not like real love and affection does. I don’t want to be bought, I want to be loved, and I am still struggling on how to give myself the love that I never received. 

I have an appointment on September 7th, to be seen for therapy, and I am hoping that it helps. I am honestly lost on how to deal with this. I struggle every single day to feel like I am good enough. Good enough in my daily life, good enough for myself, good enough to keep breathing, good enough to keep going, good enough at my job, good enough for my friends, good enough romantically. I struggle so fucking much with feeling inadequate, with feeling like I could be better and do better at literally anything I do. I feel like my best isn’t good enough most days. I am so tired of feeling this way and I don’t know how to fix it on my own. I want to be healthy, mentally. Physically, yeah, but mentally healthy is my main priority at this time. It is my main goal. 

I know I cannot fully give my all in a relationship with someone else, if I first cannot love myself enough. Or at least, that is what I have been told. I call bullshit on that. I know how to love others because I fully 100% give them the love that I never received. I know I need to also give myself that same love and attention. I am working on it. But I KNOW that I know how to love others.

Why does this healing journey have to be so fucking HARD. I am literally doing my best. I am literally giving it my all. I am doing what I know how to do with the tools that I have been given over time. It’s taking such a long time, and I know that healing is not linear, nor is it an easy process. But I am trying. 

I don’t know the purpose of writing this, maybe I am just hoping that writing out my thoughts will also help me find healing in them. I know I need to find closure and forgiveness for the entire situation, but I think that part is honestly just going to take some time. I honestly think that will therapy, maybe I will be able to find some closure and healing within myself so I can finally move on from all of the heartbreak as a child. I don’t want to keep carrying this around. I don’t want my inner child to be broken for the rest of her life. I don’t want that extra baggage, and no one wants to be with anyone that carries around that extra baggage when they have their own extra baggage to deal with. 

No one ever said this would be easy. No one ever said that this would not hurt. No one ever said that it would happen overnight. But... I am not a quitter. I know my parents didn't have much hand in raising me, and I took after my Mamaw a LOT. Between Mamaw and Meme, I would say I am an equal balance of all love, and all fight. Because without both, I would not be in the position that I am in today. I would not have made it this far. I would not have made it past my teenage years. I'm glad I did. I am glad I get to witness the things that I have accomplished. I am glad I get to witness all that I came from, and all that I am today.

    It may be hard for me to recognize the good qualities in myself, but every single day I am learning a little more about myself and the things I DESIRE to be. The person I WANT to become. Every single day I am one step closer to seeing that woman blossom. Every single day that I continue to breathe and exist, I am one step closer to becoming everything I needed as a little girl.