Breathe

    Today I am breathing.

Sometimes that is all I have to give.

Just breathing.

I keep playing && replaying "Breathe Me" by Sia. I don't know why I do this to myself when I feel this way. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just feeling in general. I hate having feelings like this sometimes. There are so many emotions that I go through on a daily basis (Pisces moon AND rising) and sometimes it just gets to feel too heavy, but I don't quite know how to ask for help or lighten the load. It's just easier to keep suffering alone rather than to weigh someone else down with all that I experience, especially on top of all of their own feelings. 

I do the only thing I've ever been taught - Deal with it alone. 

Everything I have ever done has been alone. Sure, my parents have helped me out with things financially, and yeah, they love me. All that is water under the bridge. But, if I have forgiven them for everything that I have been put through growing up, why do I still feel this way about it all?

Why am I still hurting? Why does it still feel so fresh and so new all the time? If I have truly forgiven them, would that feeling not go away? Does that mean I haven't fully forgiven them?

I know they don't think there is anything to be forgiven because they literally just did their best with the parenting tools they were passed down. And I'm not saying I fully blame them, but in some areas, yeah. I do. In some areas, things could have gone so differently. But they didn't. They went the way they did and now we are all here where we are. 

Would I change it? I'm not sure. I'd like to think if I did, we would have grown up with far less trauma. But I know they think about those things on a daily basis too, and it's nothing that we can change now. So, how come I can't let these feelings go? If they still need to be healed, how the fuck do I DO that? I've written letters. We've talked about these things. We have all apologized where we fell short. 

I just don't know what else to do to STAHP feeling this way, but I want to stop. I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life. I don't want to be a walking zombie trapped in this temporary meat suit. I don't even like this meat suit. I know it's my only one (unless reincarnation is legit), and I am doing my best with my knowledge and resources to take care of my meatsuit. 

*SIGH*

Feelings are ridiculous and sometimes I wish I could just turn them off.

k byyyye.